...but can I trust Him this far?

Am I the only one who always swears I will go to bed early, and yet ends up staying up late anyway? When will I learn?

Sigh.

Things have been pretty busy. I have been going crazy prepping and then running the auction, preparing for two other fundraisers (selling ornaments and homemade scones) and organizing a schedule so I can have everything done for my in-home event in less than two weeks. I am great at planning parties & events, but horrible with the time planning. I end up running out of time to get things done. I don't want that to happen! So between all the AT fundraisers, homeschooling, taking care of my own family/house, my Ava business, etc...I am exhausted.

I have committed to doing a study called "30 days to experiencing spiritual breakthroughs." I've had the book for several years but never got past the third day. I have lots of books around the house that I started and never finished. Anyway, so far it has been great. The first day really hit home. The author was talking about how he was having a mid-life crisis and went to visit a good friend for advice. His friend told him, "Bruce, I can help you. Will you do what I say?" Of course, he asked him what he wants him to do. He replied, "will you do what I say regardless of what I ask?" After a while, he spoke again and said, "do you believe I love you? ... then trust me."The author then wrote:

"I knew he loved me. I knew he could be trusted. But could I trust him this far?"

Oh, how that resonated with me so strongly it brought tears to my eyes. How often do I look at God and say that? I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW I can trust Him. But I don't feel like I can trust Him that far. I have always struggled with trusting God, but I realized a few days ago, I don't allow Him a chance to prove He can be trusted. I am always trying to control things so I don't NEED to trust Him. Life is much more predictable and tidy when I can control and manipulate it into a nice, neat box.

But it never stays that way.

The raw honesty here is this - I am scared of God letting me down. I am scared that I will trust Him with something so dear to my heart, and He will fail me.

Of course, I KNOW He won't. The Bible says He will never leave nor forsake me. But I also know that terrible things still happen to those who trust God. Children die, people get divorced, sometimes no amount of prayer actually stops the destruction that wreaks havoc in our lives. Do I believe God is to blame? No. But that vulnerability...that putting myself out there and allowing His will, not my own...it's a scary place to be. And yet it's necessary.

He is calling me to that place.

I hear this song often, and every time, I sing it as if it's a prayer straight from my heart. I ask that you please say a prayer that God will continue to lead us, and that we are not afraid to trust.

I want to live this life unsafe, unsure, but not afraid
What I want is to give all I've got somehow
Giving up letting go of control right now
Cause I'm already out here, blind but I can see
I see the way You're moving
God how I believe that
I can push back the mountains, can stand on the waves
I can see through the darkness, I'll hold up a flame
Take me to the ocean, I want to go deeper
I'm not afraid, no, I'm a believer

 - Audio Adrenaline