Thursday, December 19, 2013

When it just doesn't seem to fit.

At the beginning of October, we attended a free informational meeting for CT foster/adopt. We had encountered a booth at the local faire and brought some information home to look through. Domestic wasn't a route we had been really familiar with. From the beginning, I was always drawn to international adoption, though I wasn't sure why. But we both thought it was important to explore the possibility of doing domestic through the state. It was certainly a relief to hear that it would be 100% free for us to adopt through the foster care system, as the financial burden of International had us stressed. So we left that night having filled out a pre-adoptive application.

Logically, it should have felt right. I should have felt peace, because we were in the process of doing what God has asked of us. There are thousands of children in the US in need of a loving family, and obviously they are no less deserving than anyone in any other country. But I felt unsettled. I assumed the feelings would eventually go away. I don't like to make big decisions based on emotions alone, I always try to wait for confirmation from God.

We had our first home visit with a social worker, which went very well. She answered our questions, and seemed to love our family. But I just couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't right. It felt as if we had veered off onto a path headed in the wrong direction; Like we were trying to make something fit that just...didn't.

I prayed about it and still the same feeling remained. So finally, a couple weeks after the home visit, I brought it up to Justin. He seemed to agree with me. We both knew that the only reason we were pursuing domestic vs. international was because of the cost. After some time of talking, we both felt that it's important for us to follow God's lead no matter what that entails. Yes, we would still be caring for orphans if we chose to continue with domestic adoption; however, we only want to be living in God's will, and for us to allow a thing like money to come between us and God's just ridiculous. I know God can move mountains; I've seen it myself through the adoptive families I have had the pleasure of talking with.

And so we have left it up to God again. We're not allowing fear to dictate our choice to follow Him. Does this mean we are definitely going to pursue international adoption? I'm not sure. But I can tell you that once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of doing it internationally, I felt a peace inside me. So we are just keeping ourselves open to whatever He lays before us. It's exciting (and a little scary.)

We're back to focusing on paying off the last of our debt. I really believe God will make our next step clear once we have that taken care of. At least, that's what I am praying! :)