"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
for to You I entrust my life."
- Psalm 143:8
As I have written before, adoption blindsided us in a way that we knew had to be God. The timing was wrong, the call too strong to ignore. It was something I had never even actually considered doing, so it shocked me when I started feeling this pull towards it. Praying, we weren't receiving any definite direction, so we felt we needed to make some sort of step in faith. Which is why we signed up for the DCF classes. We figured even if He leads us toward adoption in a way other than the state, the information would be valuable. And we were right, the classes taught us so many things that we would have never found out on our own. But during those 6 weeks of classes, despite prayers, neither of us felt a leading as to what to do next. We agreed to become licensed, because we can always say no, and if we felt called to come back to it later and hadn't been licensed, we would have to start all over again.
It was the day of our last DCF class that I found out I was pregnant. I thought, okay, God has revealed the direction He wants us to go in. Another beautiful baby for us, adoption will come in time. Yet just weeks later, I lost the baby. I was left with confusion. I wanted to adopt, and still do. But now I want a baby. I want to be pregnant again. Why would God give me that, just to take it away? In a way, it feels like it was stolen from me and sometimes doesn't feel fair.
I was talking with a close friend a few weeks ago about this confusion. She brought up a good point. Maybe, God doesn't want us to adopt right now. Maybe, He gave us the strong desire because He wants that to be fulfilled in the future. Much like how many people in the Bible received a prophecy that wasn't fulfilled until many years later. Yes, that makes sense. But why? Why would God give us a burden on our hearts for something that won't be fulfilled until later? It hurts my heart every single day when I think about all the orphans suffering. It literally aches. Aren't we called to look after the fatherless? It's hard not to feel a strong sense of urgency when it comes to this. Which is why I have a hard time even considering letting it go.
It is my daily prayer that God will use me for His glory. I will go where He wants me to. Every day I do my best to offer Him all that I am. I believe my family is my first ministry; taking care of my husband and children come before any other commitments and ministries. But I can't help but feel that there is more. That, even though my life is crazy sometimes, in a way it's just too...comfortable. I don't believe God calls us to a comfortable life.
Without a doubt, I know that He is faithful and will direct our path. I know He has great plans, and I continue to pray that He will reveal what is next for our family.