Raw honesty

I wrote in my last entry how God wants us to do this adoption on His terms. What we have to do is let go of what we envision in order to embrace the life God has planned for us. I really want God to take my life and use it for His glory.

But here's where God called me out. 

See, I do want that. I want God to use my life for His glory. But I just don't want to give it to him. Romans 12 talks about offering ourselves as living sacrifices. Have you ever heard the phrase, "the problem with a living sacrifice is that it's always trying to crawl off the altar?" Guilty as charged. 

I don't want God to change the parts of my life that I like. That's a raw, hidden part of my heart that I like to pretend isn't there. But I need to call it what it is. I want God to use my life...but not at the expense of my own comfort and desires. This came to mind because I was researching adoption today. As I looked at photos of yearning, lonely orphans, my heart breaking for them, I saw words next to their names: "special needs," "HIV+", "downs syndrome." I thought to myself, "we couldn't ever adopt a child with special needs." But, God hit my heart like a ton of bricks. I sensed Him saying, 'hey, wait a minute! Who is in control of this adoption, anyway?!' I don't necessarily think we are called to adopt a child with special needs, but the point is, who am I to pick and choose who I will 'allow' God to lead us to? 

What if God chooses us to become the parents to a child who will need lifelong care? I am only human. My husband and I were married young and had children quickly, so we never had the chance to really just enjoy being married. Sometimes we will talk about how we will spend our empty nest days. I have always wanted to travel, and look forward to getting the chance to as our children get older. Do I want to give those dreams up? Not at all. And therein lies my struggle. 

I've heard that many times we should choose to act out of obedience and the feelings will eventually follow. I don't know how long it will take, but every day, I will make the choice to surrender my life for what God has planned.