And you want another one?!

When I came out into the open about the calling Justin and I felt to adopt, I had no idea how people would react. Knowing it is really a decision that only affects our own family and people we see on a regular basis, I didn't expect much. Thankfully, most everyone has been very supportive, which is SO appreciated. I've had people praying, sharing links & great information, and just encouraging us.

But of course, there are those who don't understand. The ones who look at me like I have lost my mind.

I think they expect that someone planning to add another child to their family should have everything under control. They should never get impatient or frustrated with their children, have everything perfectly balanced. They shouldn't every look like a circus in the middle of Target, with the mom attempting to be the ringleader. (Not that I know from experience or anything.) "And you want another one?!" I hear as they watch me go through the crazy motions of trying to meet the needs of three terribly needy and sometimes demanding little people all at the same time.

The answer?

Yes. I want more kids. I love watching them grow up, I love cuddling and reading stories, I love the kisses and hugs and the insanity and bittersweetness of it all.

Most importantly, I want what God wants for me. I want Him to take my crazy little life and make it something that brings Him glory. Are there times I doubt God's calling for me? Absolutely. When I am cleaning up the milk and cheerios all over the floor while my kids fight in the next room and I lose it and yell at them because we had been trying to leave the house for the last 45 minutes...I can start to doubt. I'm not perfect. I mess up a lot, but that doesn't mean that God can't use me.

I know the comments and stories are meant to be helpful. It seems that once people know you plan to adopt, they feel compelled to share their horror stories with you. (I like to compare it to expecting a baby...everyone tells you the most terrifying and painful birth stories, as if you aren't scared enough!) I understand the intention behind it, I really do. People want us to know what we're getting into, that it's not all butterflies and rainbows. But trust me, all the horrible scenarios you have described are nothing compared to the number of ones I have run through my own mind. Yes, I am scared of the unknown. Aren't we all? But I have full faith that God will lead us down the right path. Fear is not a good reason to abandon God's will.

So yes...I know it looks crazy. But you know what? Not following God's calling on my heart is even crazier.

"Your calling isn't meant to be easy"

Nothing seems to drain me like these foster/adopt classes. They are so full of great information, but a lot of it is very heavy and difficult to hear. Today, one of the speakers talked about brain development and the effects of alcohol and other drug use during pregnancy. It was SO informative! She even gave us a chart that explains each behavior, how it is commonly seen, and what the actual issue may be. For example: Not following directions - commonly seen as willful disobedience - actually can be a child's inability to connect the directions with actions, or they are unable to understand.

The second speaker talked to us about sexual abuse. It was disturbing, to say the least. Some of the examples she used from actual cases were so insidious and horrifying, I actually became flushed because I felt so angry. But it was necessary, and we learned a lot about how to handle children who have been sexually abused. The homework we have every week has been great in helping us really think about our own upbringings and helps us to relate to the children in foster care.

As far as adoption...Justin and I are still unsure of what God wants us to do. We are trying to focus on the step we are on, which is attending these classes. The information we are gaining has been SO helpful and will relate whether we choose domestic or international adoption. I do feel like the enemy has really been attacking us lately and it seems to be focused on the weekends and days following these classes. I feel like everything in the future is foggy and the only thing we are sure on is what is right in front of us. Maybe God doesn't want us to know which direction He plans to lead us, and that's ok. I love to know all the plans before they happen, but God certainly doesn't work that way. But that keeps us open to whatever is in store. It's been a great way to demonstrate our trust in Him.

A few days ago, an article from Relevant magazine showed up in my newsfeed. It was entitled "Your Calling Isn't Meant To Be Easy." The title says it all. I think inside I still believed the lie that if your are called to something, it will be easier for you. That if you are met with difficulty, maybe you "heard God wrong." But that is NOT the case! Yes, you may be called to something, and it may be hard, but God will always equip you. Most of the great men and women in the Bible encountered difficulties, some were even fearful or doubtful. But with the obedience of following their calling, they were able to carry out God's plans. THAT is who I want to be. I want to be faithful to His calling. No matter how crazy people think I am, or how much they try to talk me out of it.

"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8

Right now, I am waiting for definite directions. But I am trusting that I am waiting for a reason. I trust in His timing.

Doubts & Trust

We had our first foster/adopt class on Saturday. It was mostly an introduction, they went over what would be covered in the next 4 weeks, watched a few (very) outdated movies, and talked a bit about how the foster care system works. A few things really stuck out to me, one being that they are very up-front about the fact that we as foster/pre-adoptive parents will be expected to communicate with and have at least some of a relationship with the birth parents. I guess I had believed that we would have limited contact. They also stressed that whether we are pre-adoptive or foster, we are all considered foster parents. It seems to me the only difference is that those who are pre-adoptive hope to adopt the child, while foster parents expect (in most cases) a child to be with them temporarily. I already knew this going into it, but DCF's main goal is reunification with the birth parents...the next being placed with a relative...third choice is being placed with a family in the system, such as us. At any time during the process to adopt the child, a birth parent or other relative could easily disrupt it. 

Does all this scare me? Totally. I still don't feel 100% that this is where God is leading us, but I am willing to find out. This is all way out of my comfort zone. I honestly can't even try to imagine what it would be like to love a child and have him or her taken away. I cannot comprehend it, but I feel it's fair to assume it will be incredibly difficult. 

Those things are ones that I honestly don't want to deal with. It makes me want to run in the other direction. It makes me want to re-think the entire adoption thing. If it weren't for how strongly God laid it on our hearts, I probably would have run away by now. But I know without a doubt that God has called us to care for orphans, and how can I not answer that call?

I know that God doesn't call us to walk the easy path in life. No matter what route we choose, adoption isn't going to be easy. And it's hard to say "yes" to something you KNOW is going to be challenging. This is where I lay myself down. I'm one of those living sacrifices that is always second-guessing and trying to crawl off the darn altar. That's just me! I know God is asking me to step out of the boat and trust Him. I don't know exactly where we're going but we're not supposed to know...or else why would we need to trust? 

This whole trusting thing has become a common thing for me, huh? :)

I am just trying to take as much from the class as I can. I know all this information will be invaluable for us at some point, so I absorb it all. Prayers are appreciated, that not only God will give us direction, but also that we will be able to find babysitters for the next 4 Saturdays of the class. It's not easy to find people willing to babysit 3 kids for 6 hours or more on a Saturday! 

Dying To Self

"Dying to self."That term sounds horrible but it doesn't even scratch the surface of how difficult the actual process is. There are some days my humanness wants to come out and take over. I certainly don't always feel like behaving the way I know God calls me to. Sometimes I don't want to stand up and fight the battles ahead, because I am worn, weary, exhausted. Sometimes the mountains seem too high. Sometimes I don't see a way around them and would rather curl up in a ball than climb them.

When I feel like that, and yet choose to get up and fight anyway...that, my friend, is dying to self.

Because this life isn't about me and what the world can do for me, or what God can do for me. It's about being instrumental in changing the world and reaching out to those around us. It's about saving souls, loving those in front of us. Doing something to have an eternal impact.

The dark moments when I yearn to just give up, those moments are when God's strength can really shine. Because I reach out and He grabs hold and somehow...I find the strength to keep going.

PRIDE Classes

We decided to sign up for the PRIDE classes, which are the mandatory classes offered by the state of Connecticut for those interesting in fostering and/or adopting through the state. It's a bit of a time commitment for us, and those watching our kids - 5 hours per day for 5 Saturdays in a row. I was feeling very undecided on whether we should go or not, because we were doubting whether this is what God wants for us, but we have yet to receive definite confirmation either way. The classes are free, so we decided it wouldn't hurt to go through them and see if it leads us any closer to the right choice.

I'll be honest, I am feeling very negative about the idea of adopting through the state. I have heard many, many more negative stories than positive ones. If we foster to adopt a child age 5 or under, our bedroom has to be on the same floor as the child's, which would mean we would need to move our bedroom upstairs and one of the kids bedrooms downstairs. I am not at all comfortable with having any kids on the bottom floor of the house alone, and it's a huge hassle for us to be moving everything around. I don't want to deal with court dates, and birth parents, and not being able to go away for a weekend, and the very real possibility of falling in love with a child only to have them taken away and reunited with their birth parents. I don't know if I can handle that emotionally.

But wait...

It's not about me.

Mmmm yes, back to that. This isn't about me and what's comfortable for me. No, I do not know if this is the right path. But I know I need to be open to WHATEVER God has in store for us. I can't pray "Your will be done, unless you want me to do this, because I don't want to deal with it."

Classes start February 1st. Prayers are appreciated as we continue to find the path God desires for us.

The god of our society

Our country has it's own god. We worship him every day. It is evidenced by the millions of dollars spent as offerings. This god can cause people to become physically aggressive, rude, and self-centered. He offers no salvation or long-lasting benefits, but can give you some short-term satisfaction.

We, as a country, worship the god of materialism.

Do not think I am exempt. I always loved to shop. I used to be able to spend hours weaving in and out of stores. I never had the bank account to support my habit, so I became highly skilled in the realm of bargain hunting. To this day, I can smell a clearance aisle from a mile away. I love that I rarely make purchases for items like clothing without them being deeply discounted. It saves us a bunch of money on the things we need.

Key word being, things we need.

There is a flip side to my shopping ways. I have a difficult time passing up a very good bargain. I can usually talk myself into making the purchase because "it's something we will use." I am a fairly practical person, but many times, the "things we'll use" are not the same as the "things we need."

Once God started turning my heart towards the least of these, my perspective on shopping and money completely changed. Instead of debating whether I should spend $12 on the item I believe I will use, I remind myself that the same $12 could feed a family in a third world country for an entire month. I suddenly saw how meaningless material possessions can be. I once watched a documentary filmed to create more awareness of the horrors of orphanage life. It broke my heart to see a beautiful little girl reduced to skin and bones, in severe pain due to her obviously broken leg...and she received no medical treatment. Through my tears, I looked up from my laptop and around my living room, saw the photos on the wall, the curtains, the decorations, and all I could think to say was, "none of this matters."

That, I believe, was the moment I truly understood the heart of Jesus. It is like my eyes were opened and I finally could see everything from His perspective. How could that not change me?

I see the changes everywhere I go. Today, we visited one of many shrines of materialism - a shopping mall. We don't normally go, but we wanted to get out of the house, and weren't interested in being outside in the single-digit temps. Walking down the crowded aisles, there were store windows full of expensive advertisement campaigns, all aimed to get consumers into stores with their wallets wide open. Uncluttered stores decorated with pillars holding up $650 purses. Display cases with thousands of dollars worth of diamonds. Racks upon racks of clothing in every color and style. I used to go to malls all the time without a second thought. I walked around for hours, tried on clothes, and enjoyed myself. This time, all I felt was a mix of disgust and sadness. Disgust at how much money is spent every day on things people do not need, and sadness because many consumers do not see that physical possessions do not bring any sort of lasting happiness or security.

Am I saying that shopping is evil? Of course not! Unfortunately it's just so easy to become carried away and sucked into the realm of materialistic thinking. It's difficult to avoid when our entire society doesn't see it as a problem. But it IS a problem. I see it as a problem when people purchase a $650 purse while in the meantime, somewhere in the world, a mother is watching her child die of hunger or a preventable disease. We need to stop focusing on what we can acquire with our money and figure out what we can spent our money on that will have a lasting, positive impact for others.

I write this in an effort to create awareness. I believe people simply do not realize how desperate the situation is. When we do not see the pain and suffering, we turn a blind eye and end up with an 'out of sight, out of mind' philosophy. I know because I used to do it. I felt powerless to help or change anything, and so I did nothing. I pray that someone reading this would take the initiative to find a way to help. Sponsor a child. Give up getting coffee for a few days and donate the money to a worthy cause. Pray. Go on a missions trip. Create a care package for the homeless man holding the sign in the Walmart parking lot. The possibilities are endless, just get out and do something.

I do not believe money evil, not at all. Money is a tool. The love of money is the root of all evil, but when seen as a tool, can be used for good. Today, choose to use some of it for good. I bet it will feel better than buying that new purse. <3

When it just doesn't seem to fit.

At the beginning of October, we attended a free informational meeting for CT foster/adopt. We had encountered a booth at the local faire and brought some information home to look through. Domestic wasn't a route we had been really familiar with. From the beginning, I was always drawn to international adoption, though I wasn't sure why. But we both thought it was important to explore the possibility of doing domestic through the state. It was certainly a relief to hear that it would be 100% free for us to adopt through the foster care system, as the financial burden of International had us stressed. So we left that night having filled out a pre-adoptive application.

Logically, it should have felt right. I should have felt peace, because we were in the process of doing what God has asked of us. There are thousands of children in the US in need of a loving family, and obviously they are no less deserving than anyone in any other country. But I felt unsettled. I assumed the feelings would eventually go away. I don't like to make big decisions based on emotions alone, I always try to wait for confirmation from God.

We had our first home visit with a social worker, which went very well. She answered our questions, and seemed to love our family. But I just couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't right. It felt as if we had veered off onto a path headed in the wrong direction; Like we were trying to make something fit that just...didn't.

I prayed about it and still the same feeling remained. So finally, a couple weeks after the home visit, I brought it up to Justin. He seemed to agree with me. We both knew that the only reason we were pursuing domestic vs. international was because of the cost. After some time of talking, we both felt that it's important for us to follow God's lead no matter what that entails. Yes, we would still be caring for orphans if we chose to continue with domestic adoption; however, we only want to be living in God's will, and for us to allow a thing like money to come between us and God's plan...is just ridiculous. I know God can move mountains; I've seen it myself through the adoptive families I have had the pleasure of talking with.

And so we have left it up to God again. We're not allowing fear to dictate our choice to follow Him. Does this mean we are definitely going to pursue international adoption? I'm not sure. But I can tell you that once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of doing it internationally, I felt a peace inside me. So we are just keeping ourselves open to whatever He lays before us. It's exciting (and a little scary.)

We're back to focusing on paying off the last of our debt. I really believe God will make our next step clear once we have that taken care of. At least, that's what I am praying! :)